April 25, 2008

What Your Guy May Be Doing Behind Your Back

Posted in 1 at 4:57 pm by filledeloyer

I’m quite certain this post isn’t going to win me any popularity contests, but I’ve never really cared about that. In no way do I believe that each and every guy out there pays money for sex. I’m hoping, for my sake at least, that it’s a minority.

So this post is for those woman who are involved with the (hopefully small) percentage of men in the total population who engage in this activity. Since I began escorting I’ve sometimes wondered how I would feel if I were in a committed relationship and I found out my guy was seeing escorts. If I were given the choice between his seeing escorts and having an affair, I’d prefer that he not have an affair and instead see someone like me.

And by me I mean an escort who is fairly exclusive, honest, intelligent, doesn’t take risks, takes care of herself and would never ever allow herself to become emotionally entangled with a client. The difference being that an affair more than probably carries an emotional component to it. Whereas when someone pays for sex, it’s generally limited to a physical act. That being said, I’m sure there are guys who get all caught up in an escort. I’ve had guys try but always nipped it in the bud.

It would be easy for me to make a generalization that all men do this, as all the men I see do! But obviously that’s faulty logic. I just hope my sampling of the population is a small percentage. I keep repeating this but I do hope it’s true. For every woman’s sake. But especially for my sake. Once you’ve seen this side of things it could really sour you on men and love if it were true that you uncovered a secret side that ALL men shared.

In the early days of doing this I remember browsing through the classifieds of other escorts and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing! A wide range of, well I’m going to call a spade a spade – completely skanky girls in spread eagle poses. And I could not imagine the guy who would get within a bargepole’s range of these girls.

But there are guys who do and I’ll tell you a story about that tomorrow. (I love it when I already know what I’m going to write about tomorrow!)

So back to the topic of what your guy may be doing behind your back. Most of the men I see are married. Some have girlfriends. I also see a range of guys who are just too hopeless and unattractive to ever entice a woman in the real world to sleep with them regardless of how many dinner dates they splash out on. Every once in a while I’ll meet a new client and he’ll be handsome and smart and young and single. Not quite sure what’s going on there but I do hope they stop when they’re in a solid relationship. My take is they haven’t met the right woman yet and don’t want to lead anybody on with casual sex. I actually respect that.

I respect that a helluva lot more than the guy who’s all “I’m happily married and I love my wife and we have a great sex life. A man just needs variety”. I call bullshit on that. These individuals obviously have some deep seated issues. They attempt to bolster their self esteem with the temporary thrill of a new sexual encounter heightened by the idea that they’re doing something really naughty by paying for it.

So ladies. How do you know your guy is paying for sex?

1. You don’t have sex anymore. Probably because you’ve both let yourselves go to the point that neither one of you are physically attractive any longer. You’re probably happy with this arrangement but he’s a man and well, men need to fuck. Even if they’re fat and gross and smell bad.

2. You call him at lunch or directly after work but he doesn’t answer the phone.

3. He travels a lot. And then doesn’t answer the phone between the hours of 8pm and 11pm. These are the hours businessmen like escorts to pop over to their hotel room. It’s usually after they’ve finished a client/coworker dinner.

4. You notice cash being withdrawn in increments of $300-$500.

5. You find bank statements at their office for accounts you’ve no knowledge of. They never have these sent home.

6. You find an extra cell phone hidden in their car or in their briefcase.

7. And of course the old standby – any charges on the credit card statement that you aren’t familiar with and sound shady. Subscription review sites like to do business under names that are obscure but “dangerous” sounding like “deathstar productions or something similarly stupid and “mysterious”.

And the last one that I hate to mention but it can’t be avoided – you’re pregnant or have recently had a baby. I’ve been really surprised by the number of men who I’ve seen who are expecting a child with their wife. I’m not sure if it’s because the wife doesn’t feel like having sex or because he’s got some hangup about a pregnant woman’s body. It’s awful but there it is.

Men go to all sorts of lengths to disguise their behavior. I once had a client – who I’ve seen many times – telling me that he was using his wife’s bonus for our tryst. My thoughts at the time were “what an asshole” and “if she only knew”.

I’m not trying to break up any marriages here. I just want women to know what they may potentially be dealing with. Because frankly, I think it’s very uncool to cheat on your wife.

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21 Comments »

  1. Good post and a very interesting blog you have here.

    I’ve never gone with an escort, but I don’t have problems with those who do. I think prostitution should be legalized (not sure whether or not it should be regulated, would have to let the industry try their hand at maintaining health standards first) because it’s ludicrous for the government to outlaw sex for money when it’s so damn close to most dating situations anyway.

    But back on topic, you’re right; it’s sleazy for a guy to sneak around on his woman with another woman, whether he pays her for sex or not. If a husband and wife have an arrangement to go outside the marriage only for sex, that’s one thing. Othewise, it’s cheating. Money doesn’t change that.

  2. Christina said,

    Great post. I think more women need to know this and be aware that, well, men are men. They have needs just like we do. I’m very much enjoying your perspective here, thank God its in line with what I know about men. I’m rarely as thankful that I have such an open relationship with my husband as I am when I read your blog.

  3. Mercy said,

    Wow, this SHOULD be a popular post. I really don’t want to say guys are sleazy for doing this and that…some are, some aren’t. For me, it’s a gray line.

    I know what it’s like to be in a relationship and want something more, sexually speaking. Love can keep you faithful, but it’s hard, and hormones suck. This is why I advocate honesty in a relationship: you don’t want to be in the position where you very badly want to do something that would hurt your partner so deeply.

    And good on you for being so honest, Fille!

  4. Joe said,

    On one hand you’ve got something elementally right here. Men need to fuck. But on the other hand your post seems pretty critical of the guys that hire you. And that might be justified in some or maybe even most cases but there are definitely times when I can see it being a good thing for the guy to do. Let me explain using my own situation – I thought about doing the old “I know this guy” routine but I won’t insult your intelligence. And yes I’m posting under an assumed name.

    Let me start by saying I’ve never hired an escort but over the last year I’ve often wondered about it and found myself tempted. I’m married to a woman I love who I really don’t want to hurt. She’s my soul mate – I really believe that. We haven’t had sex in 18 months. That has been partly due to her pregnancy and then the birth of our daughter. It’s also partly because my wife and I have very different expectations of our sex lives. Sex is important to me and I want a lot of it. She’s totally uninterested – always has been really. Even before she was pregnant it was regularly 3 months between sex. I think maybe she’s approached me for sex twice ever in our relationship. I’ve given up approaching her. It’s become the elephant in the room that we can’t discuss.

    Now you might decide to be cruel and blame me for being bad in bed or something but I think that would be a cheap shot. This is a real situation for me and right now I don’t know what the solution is. Clearly it’s not on her agenda at all and it’s right there at number 1 on mine. In that sitation I’d have to say hiring an escort could be a positive step.

  5. filledeloyer said,

    @Joe, no, I’m not going to take a cheap shot and say it’s all your fault. But you may want to consider marriage counselling and a sex therapist before you betray her by seeing an escort. If you think for one second paying for sex elsewhere is going to help you in the long run, or even the short run you’re kidding yourself.

    Do the right thing. Not the selfish, easy thing.

  6. Ah, the old “I’ll give up a critical part of who I am for love, and it will all magically work out”

    it never does

    We’ve all seen it. The guy who’s a porn fiend marries the chick who thinks its disgusting. The woman who loves her job marrying a guy who wants a SAHM.

    On and on. What I never understand is why? Even when I’ve done it, I never understood. Especially sex. Sex is such a fundamental component of who we are, and yet people treat it on the same level as their preference for ice cream flavors.

    If there is such an intransigent difference between two people, then they weren’t soul mates. It’s just that one or both of them didn’t want to admit that there was a real problem, because they fell into that line of shit about sex being secondary. It’s not, and now Joe is willing to betray his vows because he forgot that he can’t change who he is, nor can his wife, but now he’s truly fucked, because they couldn’t own up to the fact that they weren’t right for each other. Compatibility includes sex, and every attempt to dismiss that always ends in failure.

    I feel bad for joe, but I hope someone else learns from his hard-earned experience.

  7. Joe said,

    Those are some pretty painful words to hear Fille,”betray”, “selfish and easy”. In the 17 years I’ve been with my partner I’ve regularly gone for months without sex and without pressing for it. I feel like I’ve been extremely selfless. In fact I feel I’ve been way *too* selfless – like I’m the only one making any effort . The reason I’m talking about this (and perhaps this isn’t the right place to do it) is that it’s coming to a head. My selflessness is running out.

    Ok I hear you about the therapist thing and I do plan to suggest that to her. But given her lack of interest in the subject I’m not sure she’ll think it’s necessary. I’ll just have to explain to her that for me it’s really important. My other worry, though, is that I don’t really believe any amount of therapy can fundamentally change someone’s interests and impulses. If she’s not interested then therapy can’t change that – it doesn’t change who we are fundamentally.

    Even so – I do want to do the right thing and 6 more months without sex while we go through counselling would be no worse than all the other extended periods of abstainance. But it does feel like life is passing me by.

  8. Singen said,

    Hi Joe,

    I’ve been in your situation before and completely agree with Fille on this one. You are considering the wrong approach to “solve” the problem. In fact, seeing an escort would generate a whole bunch of new problems.

    I would highly recommend calling out the elephant in the room. This is your wife, the mother of your child, she shares your bed – nothing to be afraid of. It doesn’t sound to me like you’re NOT attracted to her sexually, which is good. But it also sounds like since this is a topic you’ve never discussed openly with her that you’re doing too much guessing and may not even know what the real nature of the problem is. Maybe she’s resentful because you don’t help enough with the housework or something, who knows? Its worth finding out.

    Get the issue out in the open and both of you determine what needs to be done about it. You’re either married or serving time. If the former, you owe it to her to commit to working it out.

    Make it happen, Joe! Good luck!

  9. Joe said,

    Ok you convinced me. I started the conversation with her today.

  10. Sarah said,

    wow, what a post and comments. Singen, props on convincing Joe, and Joe props on talking with your partner, hope it all works out.

    living a long distance relationship, it’s definitely hard with the physical part of it, and I have to agree that it’s very important to openly talk about it… I was myself surprised at some of my boyfriend’s opinions.

    i feel like the tough part in physically “sharing” someone is how society looks down on it as if it’s immoral, but is it really? In some other culture, a man or woman openly has multiple partners and that’s normal…

    lot’s to think about…

  11. John said,

    Fille – interesting post but it gives me pause. You talk about your clients and men in general as though you don’t like them much. And yet you’re in this business?

    I don’t know who’s the most morally bankrupt person in this story – the guy that is hiring escorts, the escort that judges that guy but continues to provide the service, or me – for reading about it all and finding it all so interesting.

    I guess what I’m saying is that I’m surprised you judge these men so harshly.

  12. filledeloyer said,

    In response to John, I love men. It’s only human for me to have opinions about the men I meet. Some of them are jerks. We all judge the people we do work for. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard programmers openly call their clients rude names.

    The men who see escorts don’t think twice about writing reviews in which they reduce escorts to body parts. This is my forum to talk about both the great guys I meet and the creeps and my feelings about all of it. If someone doesn’t like to hear what I’ve got to say they don’t have to read it.

    As for the morality of the issue, I don’t believe it’s wrong to have sex. People in this country (the US) somehow think that all morality springs from whether or not one has sex and the parameters within which it takes place. I am not married nor am I in a relationship. It’s my clients who have to concern themselves with whether they’re doing the right or the wrong thing.

  13. Hoof said,

    Great post.
    Props on the new look over here. Much better. But that is my designer mind speaking.

    I myself did pay twice in the past, but that was when I was single and attractive. And shy as hell, and not convinced at all about what the door man of the particular club told me: ‘you just buy a girl a drink and you’re in.’ Never did encounter that one night stand stuff everybody else seemed to do.

    Now I am happily married I think it will never happen in real life at all. The mind can wander, but reality always takes me back to myself.

  14. John said,

    Totally fair comments Fille – I didn’t mean to criticise you on your own blog. I was just musing really. Every now and then your comments about men make me squirm and wonder if I’m as much of an asshole as they are.

  15. Mark said,

    Well Fille, just to even up things a bit, girls also do things behind their guy’s backs on occasion. What about you, if you were to meet a guy outside of escorting who you like, would you tell him the truth? I’m not trying to moralise here, just saying that blaming it on the guys only is a bit “old thinking”.

  16. filledeloyer said,

    @Mark while it’s true some women may also be having affairs, they are not paying thousands of dollars for escorts. Women don’t have to pay for sex. When I meet a guy I tell him nothing. When I’m in a committed relationship I’ll give up the escorting.

    And I’m not blaming anything on “the guys”. I’m telling you straight up what is actually happening with the group of men I’ve seen. Perhaps you should take off your blinkers and read my posts a bit more carefully, Trigger.

  17. Giri said,

    moral values of each person varies.. the person may be man or woman.. but the possibility of extra-marital affairs are directly proportional to the intensity of love between a couple. Plus there is always the society. If a man / woman having extramarital sex is considered the ultimate sinner (like in place where i come from) then definitely there going to be a delimiter. But if friends around u feel its cool.. then the marriage is screwed…

  18. John said,

    It’s really interesting that everyone seems to be taking it as read that if one or other partner in a marriage is having extra marital sex then the marriage is “screwed”. I believe that’s a pretty american view – I doubt things are so cut and dried in continental europe. Even here in the UK I know of households or more than 2 adults. Certainly it’s hard to explain to certain closed minded people but most of the friends of those parties accept it with no more than a shrug.

    Hollywood, the papers and the women’s magazines seems to be singularly responsible for telling us all what our lives are supposed to be like and we all blindly accept that anything outside that must be wrong in some way.

  19. tek said,

    Fille you are performing a service, because there is a demand. I find it incredible that you don’t realized that for many of man this is just an outlet to release our physical needs much like eating and sleeping. I bet the majority of men who hire escorts are not looking for relationships, emotional fulfillment, or because they have “some deep seeded issues”. If you take the proximity nature of sex, I think the service is not that much different from that of a masseur or gym trainer.

    Sex does not equal love, affection, or caring, I don’t think that women will ever understand even for sexual workers like yourself. However for many men that don’t get sex at home, they seek this elsewhere. If society didn’t place such stigma, maybe a lot of us would openly disclose our sexual needs without jeopardizing the morality burden and existing relationships.

  20. filledeloyer said,

    in response to Tek – of course I realize that it’s just a physical release. I’m wondering if you actually read the post or perhaps this is just a defensive stance based on your past experience? I would hope that the men who hire escorts are not looking for relationships because I’m not interested in my clients for anything other than the money they pay me. It’s a simple exchange of services for money. But you would also be surprised by the number of clients I’ve had who wanted to date me or told me stories about other escorts they’ve “dated” – read: they had emotional ties to her (met her friends, bailed her out financially, spoke constantly on the phone, etc.)

    For many of the men I’ve seen there are “deep seated issues”. If it were a question of simply having their sexual needs met and they’re in a relationship their partner could meet these needs. But those men who need to see many different women, while still in a committed relationship, are operating from a place of seriously low self esteem.

    But since you seem to know so well how these men think, I can only assume you’re one of them or that you’ve slept with hundreds of men for money. And by the way, no trainer or massage therapist sees everything I see or touches everything I touch or hears everything I hear so believe me, it’s quite a different service.

  21. Neoidiot said,

    “But those men who need to see many different women, while still in a committed relationship, are operating from a place of seriously low self esteem.”

    I disagree. I’m sure there’s an element of low self-esteem for some, but trust me, I know a few guys who do it because they’re dogs and they can. Some of them are very stable, confident and strong individuals. If these guys had any sort of insecurity, it wasn’t due to low self-esteem.

    The bottom line is that men like sex. It has nothing to do with whether their marriages or relationships are great or bad. Back in time, when they could, men had more than one woman. And it was accepted. Kings and poor alike. Kings had harems. Villagers had multiple wives. Men can have sex independently of love. A man can love his g/f, wife, family, whatever and still have sex with another woman if given the opportunity. It is not necessarily “uncool” or awful or evil. It’s a simple fact of life that transcends cultures, races and ethnic backgrounds. This is why prostitution is the world’s oldest profession.

    Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I do want to add that the men who stay committed, faithful or otherwise monogamous do so for several reasons including empathy, selflessness, the desire not to jeopardize their relationships and sometimes a lack of opportunity. I myself remember realizing that I didnt cheat on my g/f because I didnt want to hurt her. I suspect if I’d had the opportunity to have sex with someone with no possibility of discovery, I probably would’ve.

    Fille, I understand your post since you have a lot of experience getting paid for sex. Your sense of judgment is mostly spot-on…though it’s like the weapon manufacturer selling firearms to his clients. Some of them are buying them to fight oppression while others are buying them to terrorize a population. I guess you can’t pick and choose who you sell to.


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